Here I sit,

Watching the seconds pass by,

Wondering when the night falls and the cycle repeats,

The tossing, the turning, the dreaming. 

 

Lying awake, 

Watching the seconds pass by,

Thinking to myself how life exactly changed,

And here it is again, 

The tossing, the turning, the dreaming. 

 

Thinking to myself,

How I never got the time to get in terms with it,

And despite how beautiful things maybe, here it comes again,

The tears, the darkness, the emptiness. 

 

Tossing, turning and waiting. 

Waiting to see,

This last time,

What takes the better of me..

 

We all have been there, we all have felt it for at-least someone in our life, and it’s that naive feeling we misjudge for something as pure as love most of the times. We don’t realise that it’s a cruel selfish world, that the one claiming to love us, is only there for themselves and that we would be left stranded as soon as either we are done serving the purpose or more ironically, somehow if we stop submitting ourselves like the freedmen the Romans used to feast upon. But once in our life, there could be those rarest of moments when perhaps it all makes sense. It all somehow falls in place, like the missing piece of the broken me I had no track of, comes swirling back into its dwelling. That’s when I saw her, the butterflies hit my stomach and the time lost its own track, when it felt that there’s no one else around and when I always had felt alone in the crowd, when my heart thumped like the drums of an ancient war band, and when the sweat broke my face like a glistening sheen till it rivulets making me realise it was tears.

It has been 18 years and it still feels like yesterday. I knew I wasn’t perfect, I thought of her as an adorable, comely, and suave girl who is only lost in her exploration of harmony. Her looks were so alluring, her smile so enthralling, and her presence so captivating. I could have never thought her to have anything for someone as imperfect as me but there she was, with her beauteous soul and her resplendent self, so innocent, so calm, a little nervous & shy, and yet so much vulnerable. I fell for her the day I saw her but I just couldn’t muster the courage to have her, to show her what she deserved and how I wanted to love her. I just couldn’t use her like the rest, I wanted her to have better, what she truly deserved, so she was set free to explore with her wings open, flying in the limitlessness of her blue, perhaps never to return, and that’s how I lost her. She was traumatised, for I let the birds of prey rapere her with their talons on the frozen lake, something I won’t ever forgive myself for. I wish I could only go back in time and change that, I wish I could only have made it all more purposeful; instead, it was all catastrophic for her.

Yes, I was careworn with my own battles but I couldn’t notice her tumbling either. It’s as if we were together but we were not. I always thought I would be the house she would call her safe heaven, but there was no one coming through the open door, until the tempest took it all away. The thought of her hating me and not wanting to see me no more was devastating, I couldn’t tell how much I missed her in those lonely nights, when I wanted her to be there, when I wanted her to say “everything will be alright”. But I kept lying flat on the beach, into the cold sand, in the middle of the night, counting the planes; I was too high to think anything else but to justify that I deserve to be ignored. It was no surprise her not recognising my voice, afterall I was only back in the hope that someday, this bitterness would fade away and I could find the path to her golden heart.

I had her close to me somehow, I could feel her radiant presence around me all day long, but she was again surrounded by the raptor, shattering herself piece-by-piece, giving her everything, but she seemed blissful and I was only content with that. “Isn’t this what you always wanted”, I asked myself. She meant the world to me and without her, my life would be empty so I never wanted to take her smile away even though she was sloping towards self-destruction. The demons had been able to enter her realm when the sky broke apart but her realm was a fairyland, mesmeric, ravishing and statuesquely symmetrical. It were the cold windy nights somewhere in the north, when she was close again, the shivering of my soul was ever so evident although I didn’t felt cold outside, I couldn’t hold back no more, I had to shield her, I was her knight. There was nothing more beautiful in this world than what I felt. Being close in such perfect harmony, and when I held her hand, I could feel my soul trembling; I never wanted to let go, I wanted to be her home again.

In that hour of need we both bonded but it was a plague of self-doubt that struck fiercely again. To love and to hold on made me feel alive again, but I was as good as dead carrying that lost soul back once again to the same world of disenchantment and neglect. I wish I could shriek my lungs out and tell her how much I loved her and how I always craved for her. She was taken again, by her own choice, unknown, unwanted, aloof, cool & distant, and I could feel my heart wrench like a twisted straw ready to be cast-off. I could feel myself wrecked a million times, it was nothing new but it was all my own doings. I believe that was not new either. What could I do, I was only trying to settle everything around. I kept running recklessly in the maze, all lost with no track of where I was going, trying to save my jenga tower. All I could do was to watch it collapse and with it my dreams, aspirations and hopes for a better tomorrow.

Now that it all has been done with, I want her to know, that she filled the void in my heart with her love, maybe I was selfish not being able to provide the same in return. You are the candle light of my darkness revealing me the true meaning of love. I have been dreaming about all of this, it’s just I couldn’t ever express it. Not a moment passes when I don’t think of you. You made me see the beauty in everything there is. You taught me the meaning of love. Finding you was like looking for a needle in a field of grass, the more I search the more I get lost in it. No one has a perfect past but we all have stories to tell; while you could never have me listen, you never got tired of hearing me out. Loving me with all my imperfections and crazy antics, even when I was under the weather, you never gave up on me my love. From being my best friend ever to the love of my life, you were, you have and will always be a part of me. We complete each other in ways we thought were not even possible, always together, through your golden heart, never to be separated, stitched unruffled, through the connecting thread of love.

Nothing makes sense, yet everything makes sense. All the love songs, all the quotes. I was not aware of the butterfly effect until now. I didn’t know why love stories were penned down that way and why is love described as so beautiful. I and my naivety never knew that it is a powerful emotion that was waiting to engulf me into its fold, to welcome me into this beautiful chaos where unwillingly and unconsciously you let all your guard down. The tangled web of insecurities, hurt, and the potential of an uneasy life is not what worries you anymore but you are actually trapped in the colored mess of one single human who happens to be your heartbreakingly-ravishing reality.

A connection that is both twisted intricately and yet so simple to decipher; it makes you go head over heels one minute and cascades warmth within you the other. Nothing happens yet everything happens. You feel like jumping, free falling into the fragments of your own madness, and yet you know you will be safe. Because your person will just break your fall, engulf you. And you will be gliding to the destination of their madness, the colors made for you. Nothing less than beautiful; nothing more breathtaking.

All I think about is him. From my mornings to my nights and everything in between. I know it’s something to say because you do not actually have them. And trust me, it is not entirely essential for your loved ones to be physically around you. They linger in your thoughts. Like he does in mine. I call him my heart because it’s like every beat in me is because of him. I do not want you to think that I am being corny or something. But you see for me life is of an entirely different meaning. For me, life is him. The peace he brings along, the love he offers to me, the care he provides. The happiness he is all about. I know I am trapped. And I promise I have no intention of escaping it whatsoever.

I have always tried to be a good person in everyone’s story. Why is that so? Maybe because I never wanted to be remembered as a person who caused them to hurt? But my love for him defies the principle. I no longer care who I am missing out on as long as I serve him with happiness. Because whatever he feels is reflected in me. And no, I am not a reflection of his soul. But in fact, he was that missing puzzle in my soul and I found him, and he just fit in. That is why whatever he feels is radiated within me. And I have reached a point where when I look at myself, all I see is him. I so wish you could know him the way I do.

Dreaming, living, craving a forever with you.

And that is when I look at him and I cannot help but think; here he is, my million in one.

 

 

And it’s not like you are not here. I know I am gonna see you almost all the time. You are here but you are not here. The hardest thing about losing you is that it just didn't happen once. I lose you every single minute we don't speak. When today, I woke up in the morning and reached for my phone and hoped to see a message that isn't there, and today when I will go to sleep at night after I realize that the only person I want to moan about how crap my day was, isn't gonna be there like before. All this time we talk, but we don’t talk. And I lose you in all of the moments in between, in all the hours of silence that goes by where I do nothing but think of you, go to call you, text you and then I don't. I lose you when I think of you, listen to certain songs, and was planning to go to certain places that are all tainted by certain parts of you and how you make me feel. And I thought, I used to think I could only miss you when I was alone, but that's not true. I miss you when I am around everyone else, too. Because they are not you. But you are there, at least most of the times. And I miss you when you are here too because even you are not you. And then I cling to those words. How I am losing my place. How I have lost it. How all those things in me that you once praised now seem opposite to you. And yet, I can't not think about you. It’s only when I am asleep that I get a break from it. From thinking and wanting and missing. But then I know I am gonna wake up the following day, roll over, check my phone, see that you didn't call, text, and I just know that I'm just going to feel it all over again.

Discovering myself. Something I am still not able to do. To know a way to express me. No bias. Just a way to say myself, my thought, and just.. me. Is there anyone reading? Anyone? Can I reach you with my words? Do I make a difference? I know that remains a forever question, but I mean I try. I mean I like to try to say the least. And this is why: Along the way, I am still struggling to find my why. 

I don’t know how it works. I am too fantasized for the realities of the world. I know my low. I know my weaknesses. It's like, it's everything. It remains a cliché that I know nothing. 

I know I don’t have control over what I am being thought of, perceived, talked with, talked about, and treated. 

You see a lot has happened and yet nothing has happened and I am on this brink of collapsing. But where to collapse? 

The realities being thrown at my face.. how to find my way?

I want to show who I really am. What I really feel. To be openly able to tell how I feel. Express me without the fear of being repeatedly told I am nothing but flawed. I know I live in a world of fantasies. I have been told. Repeatedly. Mocked. At moments maybe ridiculed too. I fantasize but I don’t fantasize anymore. I feel ashamed. It hurts. But I swear I am not whining. 

How do you regain this confidence? How do you make yourself see beyond the empty spaces? How do seek attention without being attention-seeking?

‘Everything isn’t all about you’

I know. I know. I.. know. 

I want to try, but I don’t know what to try. 

I may not have found help, but I am never asking it, not again. 

I want to discover all of this, but I don’t want to. I want to know who I am. Maybe there is someone who understood me, who felt what I felt, who could articulate what was going on inside of me, someone who took care of me, someone who could guide me through the search and name of all the chaos inside of me. But that person too- is a fragment of my fantasy. And well. I shouldn’t fantasize.

You see I only want to discover who I am, I want answers to my questions, but what really are my questions? I want the emptiness to be gone, but which emptiness to address first?

How to name this? How to express this? How to find me?

Growing and glowing.

Life is beautiful. Life is empowering. Life is so much peaceful. Life is so worth it. Life is you. 

Life is always teaching me, so here it is- 23 years, 23 new lessons you taught me. 

23. Your past is important, but not important that right now. 

Your mistakes don't necessarily have to define you. No one is saint. No one is perfect as per standards. Everyone is just human. And it's your choice whether you want the past to be you, or you want to create a new you. But, as much as it is your choice, it lies on your partner too. Be it a friend, a soulmate, your love, if they won't let it go.. You just can't. 

22. Patience can at times be your biggest strength. 

If there is one thing I could never imagine doing was being patient. It was my biggest vices of all. Yet, now.. I can wait. I can wait for hours. I can wait to hear back when someone needs space. I can wait for them to reach home safe, even if it is in the middle of the night. I can wait for anything now. And this really has grown as my biggest strengths, for now I can always wait for good things to happen. 

21. Talk. Always talk. 

I was barely vocal with stuff. I would let worries and assumptions and vague statements to consume the peace of heart rather than simply ask. But now, I know that we should always talk. Talk about everything. It might be hard for the first time, but ones you do it, you will know the perk. Talking might not always solve the problem but it will never leave you hanging in there. And this peace if worth everything.

20. Tip: Too much maturity can be draining.

Do not burden yourself with so much maturity that the child inside you dies out. Have fun. Have fun in everything and see how everything will be a top notch perfect.

19. Inspiration can lead you into doing anything. 

I think deep down we all believe that we can do whatever we want. It is the monopoly of our hearts. We think that only if we are led to believe that we have it within us, we can achieve all that we want. And nothing can be truer than this. All it takes is that spark of inspiration you see in their eyes when they tell you that you can do it. Not only does it gives you the undeniable power of transforming the world, you actually end up seeing yourself differently. 

18. Real happiness lies in making others happy. 

Nothing competes with the satisfaction of hearing your loved ones laugh. Oh the sound! Without thinking, without any ulterior motives you end up grinning ear to ear. And that is the best of happiness. It does not have to lie in you, it is sometimes in the most selfless things you do for others. 

17. Be with the ones who always bring you up.

I think everyone has it in them. Everyone can do wonders because we are all THE ONES. It is like I came to realization that numerous times we are brought down by people who are close to us. So now I know that whatever you love to do, no matter what the scale of it don't let go just because someone told you it is useless. Instead find the ones who are supportive of you. They won't do it too, they don't even have to understand it sometimes, but they will always be loving and respectfully support you. They will bring you up as high as they can and never will they try to push you down.

16. Always give wholeheartedly. 

Everything given from the heart is priceless. From time to efforts, to gifts to smiles. Do not think to get reciprocated or even appreciated for what you do. Because you might give one thing and they might give another, and both of them is just as priceless. Just as necessary, just as complete.

15. Saying "no" at the right time is mandatory. 

I never truly learned this. I am still struggling but I am still trying. I am definitely not done with this. Thank you for teaching me that no one should be pleased at the expense of my emotional wellbeing. After all, a no at the right time can be a good thing.

14. Change is inevitable in life. 

Some of us are scared of how things might be in the future. I guess we all are. For me, slightest of changes can be an offset. But now, with every minute transitions I know that you cannot stop it. Change is inevitable in life. From our routine to our roles, everything will change. I guess can always adapt for it as long as everything changes except for your feelings.

13. Everyone loves differently.

There is no scale, no standard, absolutely no way to quantify love. Everyone has their own way, and I would rather have you love me with who you are than to pressurize you into something that might end up into flipping the axis. It is just about recognizing.

12. Choose your friends wisely.

Look for who has ever said: “I am here for you.” and proved it. That’s it. See, quality, not quantity. Even if you’re left with one friend who would stand up for you and help you at the end of the day, that is more than enough.

11. Never second guess after you tell them you trust them. 

This year is all about believing in people. So why mess it up by second guessing things? If someone tells you how things are let them be. Why sit and think of all theories of opposing? Ever since I eliminated this toxic trait and learned to say okay on things, everything is smoother. Better. Happier.

10. Focus on strengths. 

One of the major downsides of time it that as you get to know someone more, you actually start focusing more on their weaknesses than the strengths that attracted you in the first place. Look around. How many people are bringing each other up, focusing on one another's strengths? How many people are picking up on the negative qualities and focusing on those instead? I believe that the ones who are shrouded with positivity will always remember that negativity is bad news. You just need to always remember the first smiles you ever shared and all will be okay in your heart. Just like that.

9. Complain less, appreciate more. 

Complaining with get you nowhere. It will just deepen the pit. So breathe in, breathe out. Close your eyes. Smile and understand that they are with you. Even if they don't say it out loud, even if they don't always ask everything.. they know it into their hearts that you are with them. So you might as well start appreciating the fact that you belong together. Start recognizing that now you have almost all that you once wished for.

8. If something consumes a lot of energy, let it go. 

Focus on solutions instead of problems, if something consumes lot of energy and has no possible solution just let it go. Give in to the situation and see how things will truly fall into place as long as you believe in the best.

7. Anything hidden is wrong. 

Be honest. Be 100% honest and straightforward. Do not lie. Treat people as a reflection of your own and that means keeping the other one informed. This is the one thing that will hold it all together. You may have nothing, but if you’re honest with one another then you are rich in love.

6. The purest of efforts are effortless. 

Precisely, just be you, let them just be them. Know that love can make you do crazy, wild, unthinkable things, but it also has the power to make you into one of the kindest, most generous people in the world. It all depends upon how you do things, not how much.

5. There can be versions of you. 

Ever thought how different you are with different people? How one will describe you as heartless while for the other one there might not be someone as kind as you. Why is this so? I think there are certain versions of us that even we ourselves are oblivious of. Unless it surfaces on top. Now you be one for the other, but with the right ones you will always be the best versions of yourself. And that person will even surprise you! The things you’d do with them, for them will leave you thinking that you never knew you had it in you. You will become the best version of yourself. For them. With them. Because of them. Think not about what the other person is or does, but how that person makes you feel and act. And it can be just by being who they are. Just themselves.

4. Happiness can be found anywhere. 

World is a very large place. It has many reasons to be sad. But very few reasons to be happy. So focus on the few. And they will be enough for you to know that you don’t really have to switch on the light to find happiness in the darkness, you just have to open your heart to them.

3. Nothing can compete with the satisfaction of knowing that someone believes in you 100%. 

I am a big believer myself. I have always believed in the honesty of hearts. And this is why, nothing, literally nothing can compete with this. Having someone who believes in you 100%. Either be that person, or be with that person. But just don’t let yourself be empty of this trait. This satisfaction. Honestly, it is the biggest of blessings. Get poured with this lasting belief in yourself that will move you from thinking that I should believe in myself to knowing I should believe in myself.

2. With true love also comes respect, trust, honesty, and forgiveness.

You already love them. But as much as you love them, this alone won't stand. You need to know that they are not perfect and they need to be forgiven. You need to understand that being honest will only bring you closer. You need to endorse it that respecting is not age limited. Above all, please know if there is anything they demand from you is for you to trust them. These are just a handful of elements that intricate a forever bond. There will be the emptiness of time, the problems of distance, and the competition of this world! And just loving someone is not entirely enough. You have to love them with all your heart and soul. Always and forever. 

1. Reality can be sometimes more beautiful than dreams. 

Set things right. Forgive people. Move on. Smile. Laugh. Cry. Jump. Dance. Sing. Spread happiness. Love yourself. Love others. Rest. Be responsible. Pay back what you owe to others. Follow your heart. Read. Kiss. Travel. Eat. Relax. Breath. Just live in the moments.

What we have might as well trump what we want. We just need to see it before it is too late. Life can be at times a dream with open eyes, and this might be our very own wonderland.

Life. It happens to everyone in a million different way. And the most common one? Love.

Something so easy to spell and yet the heaviest and profound. It can soothe in minutes, and leave you recklessly broken in the other. All of us love someone at some point of our lives and we love them with all of our heart and soul and we dream about being together with them for all of our lives. I did to. But what if that love is the death of you one day?

With every happy moment together, a sad soul legit fears tomorrow. They might not say it. For your sake or their own. Whatever the reason maybe, know that they are always scared. Scared of being all that they were before you. Without you; a mess.

In love, you feel the happiest person alive. You cannot think of anything but them. And in the moments of their absence, even their names leave you content. You are always smiling like an idiot. They are everything and everywhere, from mornings to night and everything in between. But do you wanna know what happens when they go?

I will tell you.

You are in pain. So much that it is only while you are asleep that you can breath. And that too, if the nightmares spare you. And in those moments you are so fragile. You cry so much that at some point, there are no tears left to fall. You just want the pain to end. And that is when ending is the only option.

But then why do people fall in love? Why do they be yours or make you theirs if one day they have to go? When leaving you is the only option? Maybe because you were never good enough for them.

Goodbyes are hard. And the hardest ones are saying goodbye to someone you wish to spend the rest of your life with.

The year of immense growth and learning. 22 things that have helped me cope with the struggles of adolescence, people, and the world. 

22. Things don't always turned out as planned.

We like to plan. Goals. We all have them. Smaller to bigger ones. I am not saying that one should not have them. Do plan but don't have this condition of your plans working out always. The world and people in it work way beyond than our mental abilities can apprehend. Remember, you cannot control every factor influencing your life. 

21. Things that go wrong cannot always be fixed.

I know no one of us intends for things to go sideways. We all want happiness and peace. Maybe this is why we waste majority of our times into fixing things that cannot be fixed simply because we cannot accept failure. But hey, the cracks never go. Just a universal fact we need to make peace with. 

20. Replaying past won't help.

Your coping strategy must eliminate your past or anyone who reminds you of your mistakes, shortcomings, sins, and all your failures. How do you expect to live if you won't come out of this shell? The people who love you will surely never push you back into the dark holes of your past. 

19. Recreating yourself is easier than criticizing. 

Give directions to your mental abilities. Stabilize and utilize that mental energy of yours into doing something creative and worthwhile. I mean what is the point of criticizing anyone anyway? 

18. The struggling years will seem beautiful in the future. 

That is what I have witnessed, felt, wished and experiences. Down the memory lane I see how struggle has made me cautious, empathetic and wiser. I now see people for how they love, care and feel. 

17. You are both, sage and storm.

You are a perfect blend of the good and the bad. Your choices will determine as to what will empower your self. 

16. Mental health must never be ignored.

People anticipate physical pain with the amount of blood you shed or the level you rank your pain-scale on. But when you tell them your emotional struggles I know they say "This too shall pass." Aren't you one of them? Help people to heal. Understand their muted cries. Pick at least one person and help them see colors again.

15. Love people when it is the hardest to love them.

Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone has their limits. Don't abandon them by labeling them as "changed." Love them. Please. 

14. Everything happens for a reason. 

I was once told that we learn from three things. First comes our senses, then our mind and last is the Divine Guidance. With the help of our 5 senses we see how things are, with our mind we know how things work. It is said that when neither help you to understand how things are working or happening then know that is beyond a human mind to comprehend. That is where this comes, everything happens for a reason and not every reason is made to be understood; they are meant to be believed in. 

13. Love is everything around you. 

From your smiling reflection to the person you just hugged. From nature to nurture, love is everything you see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and feel. 

12. Everyone is damaged.

Not everyone can express the battles of within. Where someone's pain maybe petty to you, you need to know that everyone is healing. Regardless of the level and rank, everyone is healing. If you can't help them then please don't make it any difficult for them.

11. Kindness can have a major impact. 

How can you be okay if you just emotionally destroyed someone? I don't care if it was unintentional or a deliberate inhuman manifestation. You did it. Stop right now and rectify it for ones. Be kind. Please, just be kind. 

10. Self care is essential. 

Even you should take a break. You need to step back and nourish and softness inside of you; the way you work on your outer beauty. And, it also means that you choose not to argue with people who are firmly committed themselves into misunderstanding you. 

9. Never stop learning. 

Even the wisest man has yet something to learn. 

8. Start feeling beautiful. 

You have a beautiful energy in yourself. We all have it; a superpower. Now I know being able to fly must seem super amazing, but ain't caring the same? Imagine giving a shoulder to lean on, and seeing that crying person's spirit being lifted. You may not be able to fly but you can make people fly. (Metaphorically)

7.  See people for who they are, not for who they must be. 

Nobody is perfect. And one of the major reasons for why we complain for people not being as-per-our-standards is because we start to wish them be extra loving, extra caring, extra selfless, extra pretty. It is ironic how we want people to accept us the way we are and complain on how they do not change.

6. You become what you surround yourself with.

Even psychology vouches for this one.

5. Respect.

From excuse me to thank you, knocking on doors to giving way and everything in between. Show respect. Your parents, teachers, siblings, spouses, family, children and even any random guy here deserves it. 

4. You aren't always right. 

Period. 

3. Cleanse yourself.

Let go of hate. Let go of envy. Let go of jealousy. Stop comparing. Stop judging. Stop complaining. Grudges cause pain. Don't you get tired?

2. Never compromise on your family and friends.

They are your keepers. Your backbones. They love you without any condition, any payback or price. Don't lose them. Tell them right now, you love them and you are grateful to have them in your life.  

1. You got to be tough if you are going to be stupid.

There is nothing that can be truer than this.

What has become of today's people is way beyond for a normal mind to comprehend. Somehow we are all unhappy with ourselves. We have started to think that our failures are defining us. We have made our lives about people which in return has detached us from our own selves. We do not know what we really want. For people to understand us or for us to understand ourselves?

I understand that you are trying. You exhaust yourself up physically and mentally. You battle the belittling demons within you. You try to ensure your teary self in the mirror everyday that this shall pass too. And I am not necessarily talking about the profound dilemmas of your life. I am addressing the petty struggles. From waking up lost to sleeping in the fear of tomorrow. From trying to suffice your family's wishes to seeing your favorite mug break. I am talking about the little energy you use to kick start your day knowing that probably the hurt from yesterday will revisit. All in the name of hope.

I know you hate it when people say that your problems are nothing compared to the extremes. I know that is not what you want to hear. Why? Because one, you pretty much know that. Two, the last thing you want is your people to judge you for being not thankful and insensitive. Three, this will leave you thinking that no one cares about you. Hence, adding fuel to the fire. Everyone is struggling a battle within themselves that may be a pea size "big" for people, but I know, for you, there might not be something as heartbreaking as this.

That is the stigma of our society. We may anticipate physical pain with the amount of red in a wound, but we do not understand mental pain. We do not understand that not everyone is rated same on the scale of emotional stability. We all process pain and hurt differently. One may detach themselves from their mates while the other may find peace in the arms of their loved ones. So maybe it is not right to think from a set mindset while trying to understand the other person's problems. And no, it is not just about not understanding, it is also about our variable coping mechanisms that we might unintentionally and literally intensify the issue instead of providing a viable solution. Remember, not everyone is of the same tendency. Their breaking point might as well be your healing point.

So what comes next? We overrate their problems. Where we might not tell them on their faces but in our hearts we judge them. We contemplate and argue with ourselves that they are being over sensitive and it is just a matter of time before they get okay. But is it really how it works? No. In fact love, this is the tipping point.

When pain empowers hope and one starts to think that the world is better off without them they go to the other extreme. The step after which people they leave behind respond. Families are left red-eyed with hurt and shock and friends are left heartbroken and weeping. Some cry and wish for a last chance to try while the others say that they didn't even know things were so bad. Some people pray while the other "God-fearing" people use religious statements to show to others that yes they are heartlessly mourning. Whatsoever, talking is the last thing that will rectify the everlasting damage.

As a mere request, learn from your mistakes.
I know everyone of you might recall one name that has been a victim of mental health and has lost the battle. Be it an associate or the person you once saw in your school, they are gone. And how many more people need to go before it will hit you that you too are a part of this miserable journey? Yes you cannot reach to every person out there but you can at least talk to the person next to you?

Start listening. It helps. With one little action you might trigger a never ending chain reaction. And you never know, how many hearts you might be touching, how many people you might be saving.

Photo Courtesy: Saleha Adnan

Statements like "past doesn't matter", "forget about what you were", "your present defines you" etc etc somewhat emphasises more on your past being your definition. There is a perception about you, and no matter where you stand you cannot change it. Reputation they call it. So regardless of your efforts of realizing your mistakes, moving on with them, trying to be a better person for yourself, there will always be criticism. Now the general opinion may not matter but when you hear it from a person who matters for a minute things will go blue. For a minute you will go through all the flashbacks. From doing things to regretting it and then striving to be a better person. For a minute you will experience all the hurt and regret that may have led you to hope. So much will happen in a minute that you will feel everything but nothing. And in that minute you may think that ones a sinner will always be a sinner. But is it fair? The aura of your past being the outer layer of whatever and however you are? Its like all your efforts go in vain. The next moment instead of moping around in grief, think. Think about why you had hope in the first place. Then and only then will you know, your past maybe your definition, your efforts may seem fruitless, your reputation maybe not worth it, you may have no friends but aren't you still here? Despite all the darkness are you not surviving? Crying and hoping? Falling and rising? Striving and surviving?

I want you to know that yes you cannot change the past. You cannot even make it all go away. You cannot expect people to forget about it because the hell they will. I know you can do anything in this world to start with a clean slate. But even then know that no matter what, you will always be bad. And that bad will lead you to the good. How do you know you were bad? That is the first step towards being good. Knowing your wrongs. You cannot right all your wrongs, can you? I know it matters what people say. I know it hurts when they don't understand. I know how it feels, walking through places and feeling people whispering, pointing and laughing. I know how it feels being THAT person. But again, can you change it? No. You cannot. What to do then? Embrace it. Cry about it. But don't repeat it. Continue being THAT person, but don't be THAT person.

You are here because you have to be here. And what is here? That is how you see yourself. Being here is not where people think you were. Being here is where you know you are. After all, duniya kab chup rehti hai? Kehne do jo kehti hai.*

*People will talk no matter what.

If there is anything that life has taught, it's that sometimes the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. The most toxic people can teach us the most important lessons. Our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth. And that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and love can make room for the most wonderful people. I have learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I have learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I have learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can't give up. We have to keep going. Even when its scary, even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves, back up and moving forward because whatever we are battling in the moment, it will pass and we will make it through. We have made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.

Often it happens,
The wedges overrule
Love fails;
and ego rules.

Has it ever happened to you?
The urge so strong;
the meaning so vague.
Has it ever happened to you?
The desires so prompt;
and the talks so empty.

Broken trust and mistreated actions,
Wedges always draw wrong reactions.

The finger tips touch
while the hand escapes
the tight grips;
yet the commitment shakes.

Mute cries and heartbreaking longing,
Wedges are always so appalling.

She maybe bad
He maybe good,
but hasn't it always been in the books?
The good for bad;
the bad for good.
The balance of nature;
the fate you shall nurture.

Shallow love and deep desires,
Wedges are lethal than fire.