Kiss - A blur

"Somebody stop the fire!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Silently inside me, a chaos was starting. What had I done? A group of people had formed in front of my house. I could hear the sirens of fire brigade vans a few miles away. But, how could I do this? I saw fire kissing her kerosene soaked body. And all I did was stare. She yelled and I stared. She yelled. And I just went. She yelled. And I let her. She yelled. And I did it.

Flashbacks haunt me today. Died laughter and gloominess have found home in the deep chambers of heart. A heart that dreads this life. Locked up in the cell, I am unaware of time and weather. Its only degrees of sadness and regret here. Both of which are increasing. They are crushing me. The moment I close my eyes I remember it. And I yell.

Husbands and wives do fight. That is a part of their relationship. Never should I think that she will leave me, for me she loves me more than anything, she used to say. Only I was a little too obsessed of my love. She was extraordinarily beautiful. We both let go of our individual dreams and then we built dreams together. Our dreams. All was good. Everything was in place. Everything was spotless until that one day. Bars around the bare walls laugh at me. They laugh at my fate. I scream and their laughter increases. I loved her. What was so wrong in that? Why can't I get another chance? Why can't I undo that day? Why can't I have her back?

It was a usual day. She woke me up. Slightly brushing her lips against mine. A soft moan escaped my lips. "Wake up love, breakfasts ready." 3 hours later we were moving towards the office building, from the parking lot when a man's voice stopped us. "Excuse me Miss?" "Yes?" "Could you please tell me where can I find Mr. Simpson's office?" "We are heading towards the same building, we can guide you there." "That will be great, thank you." With that we had a company. She wrapped her arms around my neck, closing our bedroom door. "What should I cook for dinner, love?" She whispered in my ears. One second she held me, the next second I grabbed her wrist and pinned her against the wall. "What the hell is wrong with you?" "What association do you have with that man!?" "Ryan, leave my hand." "I want an answer!" "You are gone mad." "Why did you escort him to the office?" "I did? Ryan we did! You were right there with me. Only I left him there and you have been escorting him all this time in your mind." Things happened too fast for me to comprehend. With shaking rage, I slapped her hard. How could she talk to me like that? No sound came from her mouth. She just stared me with bloodshot eyes. I swear, even at that moment she was beautiful. My bipolar disorder took everything away from me. I could have hugged her. Grabbed her right there. Beg her to forgive me. I could have kissed her. Instead I stared at her.

"You are a liar!" Still she was quite. "YOU ARE CHEATING ON ME!" Still no answer. "You won't be going to the job anymore. You are gonna stay locked up here." Still no reply. "Talk!" Tears were streaming down her face. Outrageous, she headed towards the wardrobe. Throwing garments at the bed she was yelling at me. "No matter what I do you are always gonna blame me for things. I am leaving." "Going to him ain't you?" Why didn't I just shut up? "What the what?" She stared at me in disbelief. "I just asked?" Placing hands on her hips she said: "You know what? I am. And I an gonna sleep with him too. Serves you right." That was it.

Why did she say that? I know she was just playing around me. Punishing me emotionally by saying those words. Like every other women she expected me to grab her by waist and tell her she is only mine. Apologize to her for I had treated her bad. Kiss her. Hug her. Instead, I burned her.

I remember blurred details of it. Going to the garage. Bringing the kerosene can. Pouring it over her. Her feeble struggles. Soaking the entire room with oil. Spreading it in the entire house. Her running after me. Begging me to stop. Her heading to the door, to escape. My grabbing and kicking her in the stomach. And then. Burning her with the lighter. Not even once did I say I loved her. That is how my world collapsed. Sweat and nightmare is what wakes me up today. I tried to stage the burning but the clues were too obvious. The burnt body was obvious. The row was heard by the neighbors, and me being the killer was obvious. A killer.

This sounds insane, right? A petty issue like that and a severe crime like that? But that his how it is. My retarded mind took her away. The hypertension and her words took her away. But most of all I took her away. Its a trait in us humans. We carry things like hatred and rage within us. Instead of love. Had I remembered her love for me, I would never have had such an attack. They say they will shift me to a rehabilitation center. But I don't want that. I want her. I want solace in her arms. Get her back to me. Get her back to me.