My Why

Discovering myself. Something I am still not able to do. To know a way to express me. No bias. Just a way to say myself, my thought, and just.. me. Is there anyone reading? Anyone? Can I reach you with my words? Do I make a difference? I know that remains a forever question, but I mean I try. I mean I like to try to say the least. And this is why: Along the way, I am still struggling to find my why. 

I don’t know how it works. I am too fantasized for the realities of the world. I know my low. I know my weaknesses. It's like, it's everything. It remains a cliché that I know nothing. 

I know I don’t have control over what I am being thought of, perceived, talked with, talked about, and treated. 

You see a lot has happened and yet nothing has happened and I am on this brink of collapsing. But where to collapse? 

The realities being thrown at my face.. how to find my way?

I want to show who I really am. What I really feel. To be openly able to tell how I feel. Express me without the fear of being repeatedly told I am nothing but flawed. I know I live in a world of fantasies. I have been told. Repeatedly. Mocked. At moments maybe ridiculed too. I fantasize but I don’t fantasize anymore. I feel ashamed. It hurts. But I swear I am not whining. 

How do you regain this confidence? How do you make yourself see beyond the empty spaces? How do seek attention without being attention-seeking?

‘Everything isn’t all about you’

I know. I know. I.. know. 

I want to try, but I don’t know what to try. 

I may not have found help, but I am never asking it, not again. 

I want to discover all of this, but I don’t want to. I want to know who I am. Maybe there is someone who understood me, who felt what I felt, who could articulate what was going on inside of me, someone who took care of me, someone who could guide me through the search and name of all the chaos inside of me. But that person too- is a fragment of my fantasy. And well. I shouldn’t fantasize.

You see I only want to discover who I am, I want answers to my questions, but what really are my questions? I want the emptiness to be gone, but which emptiness to address first?

How to name this? How to express this? How to find me?