Life never grapples with anyone. How ironic it is, we take precautions for the most astronomical problem, and its the most atomic problem that defeats us. We plan of overcoming the tsunami and its a gas explosion that destroys us. We take treatments for cancer and its an accident that kills us. We pray for our loved ones to be with us forever and its a broken expectation that breaks us.
I, too, had dreams. Small dreams and big dreams. Not about being a princess or conquering the world. Just about conquering myself. Conquering hearts. Earning an identity. Its been ages since I am wrestling with things. Its been long since I have been searching. Searching for the place where I belong to.
I feel like a leaf lately. Its like I do everything important for survival of my plant, my family. And its the root that snatches away the credit. No. Not just credit, all the importance too. Why? Because the plant stands on it. But what about me, the leaf? What if I stop working? What if I let it die? But.. Can I? I feel for the leaf. Its a female with a him. And roots are a male with a her. And here too, the female is worth nothing.
"Mom! Stop acting so melodramatic" "Mom, please. You are embarrassing me." "Mom! Its my life my rules. Stop bugging me" "Mom. You know nothing. Stop telling me." "Mom! I am not a baby anymore."
My children are my flowers, and I am the leaf. I care for them. They come home late, I wait for them. They don't eat in time, I wait for them. They are getting into suspicious activities, I care for them. My flowers are too fragile, I don't want their beauty to fade away. But, my identity as a mother is lost.
"Stop interrogating. Don't be my mother." "You are my wife. You have no right to ask questions." "What is it to you?" "I don't sit home worthless like you. I earn." "Its your duty to do my work."
My husband is my stem, and I am the leaf. I love him. He needs to reach office in time, I take care of him. He didn't like the food, I cooked again, I take care of him. He earns, I save, I care for him. My husband is my world, and I am lost in it. But, my identity as a wife is lost.
"You don't have to study. Marriage is important." "Daughters look good in their house. And that is your husband's house." "You are not our son! Don't talk about job." "Learn cooking." "I am worried for your marriage, you are already 21." "Eat less, fat girls get rejected at first sight."
My parents are the roots and I am the leaf. I adore them. They spent their life raising me good, I want them proud. They struggle for me, I want them proud. I want to earn for them, they disapprove it, I want them proud. They don't like the idea of me studying longer, I want them proud. They want me to get married earlier, I want them proud. My parents borne me, I owe them my life. But, my identity as a daughter is lost.
"Girls don't do this." "You are a girl, have some dignity." "Such a characterless girl. She was talking to boys." "What benefit will study bring to her, she will end up being a housewife eventually." "She is so fat." "She is so dark." "God! She is not even pretty." "She is not a boy."
This world is a tree, and I am the leaf. They judge me for my looks. They judge me for my sex. They judge me for my appearance. They judge me for my age. They judge me for my activities. They judge me for being a woman. They neglect me for my dreams. They neglect me for my intelligence. They neglect me for my intentions. They neglect me for my spark. They neglect me for being human. The trees won. My identity as a woman is lost.